NOT YOURS, NEVER WAS

I fell in love with slow dancing at midnight because that was the only hour you’d call me baby. As you gripped the arch in my spine and I the nape of your neck, I knew this feeling would only last until we saw the peek of twilight break through the gloaming. A fool I’d gladly be if it meant that even for a few hours your eyes were only for me. Yet, every time I woke up that next morning, it felt as though my bones were being crushed by a thousand weights carried by the sin and temptation you led with the blood rushing through the veins in your very hands. 

 

Like the ocean, you only knew how to love in waves. You failed to realize that I am the rocks upon shore that stay grounded without hesitation and would carry you in whenever you sere longing more. I watched you stay and I watched you leave, resting gentle kisses on my flushed cheeks as if it meant something to you. What a funny feeling it is to lie next to someone you adore, yet still feel so alone. 

 

After heaps our waking moments together pass, I begin to wonder why I would bend backwards for someone so cold. Why I would sew together the pieces of their entire existence so tight, yet let the remnants of mine crumble until they are no more. 

 

As the sunlight begins spilling through the cracks in your shutters, my vision becomes fixated on the dust that swims through the vacancy in your room. You’re on the other side of the bed, fast asleep, far enough to where I can only rely on myself for heat. 

 

When I woke up and felt that unwelcomed tension that slept in-between us that night, is when I quickly realized that I will never be the girl of your dreams. And maybe, just maybe, I’m okay with that. 

 

I spent too time convincing you that I was worthy of your love and idealizing something that could never possibly be. It took me a while to open my eyes and realize there was something so transparent that was standing in front of me. 

 

My eyes now exposed to the selfless intentions you had disguised by a facade that appealed to the feelings I had for you. It was nothing more than a brief dalliance fabricated with a belief that our hopeless hearts could somehow heal one another.

 

 

This morning was different than others. My bones didn’t ache and my heart moved with steady beat. Our flesh did not touch, yet my body was filled with a comfortable warmth. Because for once, my words weren’t just used to fill a void between the silence in our sheets, but also a mantra to remind myself that I am loved. Even if you aren’t the one telling me. 

orion carloto